I Did
by emptytimechild
Summary: 'Look I know we're a little dramatic sometimes but I don't think anyone would consider taking their own life.' No one expected that happy go lucky Blaine would have thought about Suicide in the past.


"Look I know we're a little dramatic sometimes but I don't think anyone would consider taking their own life."

"I did."

The group gasped turning to face the small voice that had just spoken out. Not for one moment did any of them ever think happy go lucky Blaine would have ever thought about suicide, everyone except Kurt that was. Kurt knew all about his boyfriend's dark past, he had spent many nights holding Blaine whilst he cried, all the memories too much for him.

The group waited patiently to see if Blaine would expand on his statement, concerned eyes watching his every movement. After a couple of minutes he caught his breath and started to speak again.

"There's been a few times. It began when I was first came out, I thought if I was honest with myself then I would be happier, but I didn't expect everyone to turn their backs on me as quick as they did. I knew a lot of people would have a problem with me being gay but I thought my family would stick by me. I was so alone my friends didn't want anything to do with the gay kid, my dad to refused to acknowledge me, and mum, well she just done what dad wanted. The only person who would still talk to me was my older brother but he lives in New York so he was never really there."

Blaine's breathing had began to quicken, the memories flooding back to him, the panic was beginning to overtake him until he felt a familiar hand in his and suddenly it didn't hurt as much. The hand squeezed a little giving him the courage to carry on.

"It got so bad at school, the constant abuse every time I walked down a corridor. I would go home everyday covered in cuts and bruises, the occasional fractured bones but still nobody would do anything. I had nobody to turn to, no one to understand that no matter how many times they would hit me it was the mental abuse that I couldn't handle. The thought of not being good enough, that the world would be a better place without me. The night I was beat up by 3 lads at a school dance was the first time I'd actually felt fully alive, I thought I deserved the pain; that I deserved to be punished for being gay. And I wanted that feeling back again; I wanted to feel like I was slipping away from the world that was set on making me miserable. But after I got out of the hospital everything was the same, I just didn't exist at home, I was a burden on them. They used to argue about me all the time, until dad agreed to send me to Dalton. He wasn't bothered that I would be safe there, he just wanted me out of the house, and if I was at Dalton I wouldn't be his problem anymore, he wouldn't have to see me everyday. So then I started Dalton."

Blaine took a look around at his fellow Glee club members seeing the tears that were filling their eyes. He started feeling guilty that he was putting his pain onto other people.

"Was everything better when you went to Dalton?"

"Not really, obviously the bullying stopped but I wasn't happy there. I was too scared to show anyone my problems, so I put up a shield. I pretended that I loved it there; it didn't take much. I joined the Warblers; I pretended I was confident, a smile always placed on my face. It was easier to pretend I fitted in, then to answer the questions they all had. But I pretended to be someone else for so long that I forgot who I was. I was no longer Blaine Anderson but Blaine Warbler the lead soloist of The Dalton Academy Warblers. I was content at Dalton but I wasn't happy, far from it. I still wanted it to be over, so one day I bought a bottle of pills but just I was about to take them Wes & David showed up saying something about a performance in the senior commons. I thought one performance then I'd end it, I rushed down the main stairs but was stopped when someone tapped me on the shoulder."

Blaine took a moment to smile at the boy sitting behind him; the boy changed his life just by tapping him that day.

"When I turned around everything changed. I don't know what it was but as soon as I seen him, it was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew in that moment I needed him in my life forever, that I couldn't mess it up. I had to help him overcome his problems. So once I got back to my room I threw the pills out and concentrated on the new hope I had."

"Are you ok now?"

"There are still times when I hate myself, when I feel like I'm not good enough. But this time I've got Kurt, I've got some one who loves me, and someone who I love more than anything else in the world. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I can't do that if I'm dead."

Blaine finished his story and smiled at the group before getting up and leaving. Kurt knew Blaine needed him now, he knew Blaine would find an empty room and cry because it was all still too real for him. He could still remember every punch, every kick, every name, every time he was ignored and it was too much for him. He couldn't get past the fear, not yet anyway, Kurt was healing him but he still had a long way to go before he was strong again.


End file.
